I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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