he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
