I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
