Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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