just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
How external is "for external use only"?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
