I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
