You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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