Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
