i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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