Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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