if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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