i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
