birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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