he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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