I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Randomize
