shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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