glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
