i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
