you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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