Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
