i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
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