the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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