Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
