He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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