The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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