I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
