Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize