you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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