Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
