she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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