are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
