when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
