dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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