the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize