My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
