i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize