I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
