Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
There's even glitter on my cock...
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