Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
