Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
