He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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