Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
They took my balls.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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