I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
