I am spending my child support on dildos
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize