Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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