I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
