i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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