he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
