Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
