so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Too much gin, very little bucket
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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