Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
