why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
