Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
