I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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