Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
