I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
