3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
