Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
