We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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